We need food for life. And yet it is so much more than that. When I cook a meal it feels as if I am nurturing myself and my family on a deep level. When I eat delicious food, my senses are enraptured and I feel incredibly fulfilled. This month is about taking care of ourselves and that has been hard for the past two years. Stacey commented the other day that she can take care of 2 of the 3 of us, but someone is always left out. It's either Gryffin and me or Gryffin and Stace, but it rarely seems to be all three.

WHY IS THAT? I feel I have been banging my head against this question for months. I talk to other married couples with kids and it seems like a similar battle for them. Why is it so hard? Is it our expectations, our society, our standards, ourselves as individuals, our choices, the universal consciousness? In the absence of answers we turn to food. At least if there is one nutritious home-cooked meal a day, the adults will feel nurtured and maybe just maybe Gryffin will remember that she really does like broccoli and we will feel like good mommies as well.

One of the things I find difficult in this challenge is coming up with interesting meals when my brain is fried. I try to remind myself to think outside the box, so tonight we are having breakfast for dinner...eggs with swiss chard, potatoes with mushrooms and onions, and biscuits. Not as green as some of our other dishes but definitely satisfying.

Carrie and I had opposite days on the food spectrum. While she did her juice cleanse, I ate out and not well. I had a fine lunch (chicken katsu curry) but lack of planning put me in the unfortunate position of being hungry for dinner when I was out and no where in sight of good food. I made a poor choice with some fast food that I'm now regretting. This reminds me of what it was like when we first started eating more consciously and nutrient-dense a few years ago...our food life was a huge part of our daily life. That was the difference. We were planning our meals ahead of time almost every week and during the summer we had a CSA farm share, we were picking our veggies and washing them and trying to come up with recipes to cook with them (yes I know what to do with bok choy and garlic scapes). So much effort goes into eating well because so much thought and prep are required. Sometimes I hate that I need to eat. And eating poorly, albeit regrettable, damaging and often less satisfying than you want it to really be is so damn easy. Even in this country which has a lot less processed food, there is crap food at every corner of this city. 

I know this month, this challenge we've set which is basically to cook and eat at least one nutrient-dense meal a day, is exactly what we need right now in our life. It's not a challenge that we are doing to just satisfy my school art project (which I plan to go into more detail about in a near future blog), it's a kick-off for us to get back on a track we've too long been off of. It's a way of self-care towards mutual care for each other, our relationship and our family life. So far we've been good about providing healthy food choices for Gryffin (I say choices because she basically prefers to eat like a small animal—lots of fruits and nuts and occasionally some beef or pork along with her goats milk which we put her on after breast milk). And since she's only two, we've been able to get away with, “now this is Mommy's drink” when I'm downing a coke...something we both got way too much in the habit of here, but I know as she gets older there is going to be a “why do you get to eat that and I don't” and I would really like to have that be limited to the occasional beer I drink and not my overall diet. So, I really feel like starting now is so important, for myself and my health, but also for creating the kind of family food living that we long for, and that Gryffin deserves...that we all do.

The interesting thing about changing your routine is that it makes you mindful of your habits. I am noticing the difference between what my body wants and what my mind wants. My body is full after about two-thirds of what I normally eat and yet my appetite is not sated. Clearly my appetite is a product of the mind. And now that I am acutely aware of this the question becomes, which do I choose? When I honor the body and stop it is amazing how much the mind fights. It takes quite a bit of mental effort to work through all the shenanigans that ensue...and they persist long after the meal is over.

It makes me wonder in what other areas of my life do I make choices based on what my mind wants that do not truly serve my being. How does this appear in my relationships? Is this what is going on when I put others' needs above my own to satisfy my idea of how I should be rather than what actually is healthy? And if I choose that which is most healthful to my being, how will my mind and my habits fight me?

It reminds me a bit of quitting smoking when you have to tell yourself NO every 10 seconds for about a week until you can instead tell yourself NO every 30 seconds for the second week and so on until somewhere down the line, long after the last vestiges of nicotine have actually left your system, the mind finally pulls out the white flag and gives up.

P.S. With the extra lamb Stacey made Gryffin some meatballs, which she loved. Check out the idea she came up with combining the spices she used for our burgers into a meatball she calls “Lamb Bowlers” in the recipes tab.

We had an ioL day, and in our very own (Brockley) neighbourhood even! ioL is what we've termed “Idea of London” days...these are the kinds of days that people think you have when you say you live in London. We last had one about six weeks ago...a day when we went into Central London and while Carrie got a posh haircut in Covent Garden, Gryffin and I saw the latest contemporary art show at the Hayward Gallery, then we met up for a breezy lunch at a little place right on the Thames, then strolled down past the London Eye and over the bridge by Big Ben before heading home—all in beautiful sunny weather. So yeah, not the NORM for us around here, but alas there are some of those days and this was one of them. The BBC London forecast had a picture of a little cloud with sunshine marks for today—the only day this side of two weeks without a cloud and little raindrops, so we decided to walk to our local Farmer's Market. With the stroller and uneven sidewalk, it took about 45 minutes, but the walk was nice and we got to talk the entire way. When we got there I was immediately impressed that not only were their the usual natural foods and veg stands, but lunch stands as well. Gryffin ran around while Carrie and I took turns watching her and checking out each stand. We stopped at a lettucy cart and got some of the most aromatic/spicy arugula (here called Rocket) I've ever smelled and tasted. Jess the stand girl, noticed Gryffin meeting another 2 year old by dancing around each other and she turned to me and said, “Wouldn't it be great if adults greeted each other like that?” and I enthusiastically said “Yeah” and the two of us flailed our arms around while circling each other saying our names and how nice it was to meet the other. She didn't do this with the rest of her customers but as far as I'm concerned she's got a customer for life (or as long as I'm in London). Check out the video of her recipe for tomatoes and rocket...

Before leaving we decided to get lunch from one of the hot food stands.  As I approached one that said Banh Mi to my thrill I recognized the women running it as the very same ones Jamie Oliver featured on his best of Britain show. Yum! These ladies did NOT disappoint and they even let me try a half pork and half catfish banh mi...delicious. 

We headed back home via our local park so we could hit the playground for Gryffin and as she fell asleep on the way, we stopped at the bowling green to watch the bowlers. It was a come and see and try it out day, so they let us lounge and brought us a cup of tea while Gryffin slept in her stroller...glorious. When she woke, we headed up the hill to the playground and they were having a festival with music and vendors and a parade. A bit overwhelming but fun, we strolled by and got Gryffin to her weece (swing) and I bumped into another good and recent friend from Goldsmiths, Sara and her daughter Maya. We shared our rocket and bubbles with them and let G have a few turns on the swing before heading home, stopping midway on the grass for that picnic and reaching our flat by six.

We've promised ourselves to visit the farmer's market whenever there is another Saturday like this. And with the gorgeous tomatoes I bought, I think there is another BLT in my near future...yum. In addition to the good that the walking did our bodies, having G in the stroller both during her nap and while she was awake gave us lengthy fairly uninterrupted time to just talk to one another. Outside of the picnic, this was my favourite part of the outing.


[Ps. For more pics of our ioL day, check out our "Photos" page.]

Oh I don't know what to write tonight...Carrie is doing the dishes from the mexican meal she made for us hours ago and I'm trying to reflect on the day and pick something to share. I made myself a really nice lunch – a BLT with fresh mixed leaf lettuce (we bought some from Waitrose that was planted in soil), organic 'streaky' bacon (which is what they call our kind of bacon here), and some very ripe cherry tomatoes on white toast. I was inspired by the lettuce which reminds me of the kind my grandfather (Pop Pop) used to grow in his garden. My grandmother (Nanna) used to just toss it will a little salt and olive oil for a salad, it was that flavourful that's all it needed. Someday, whenever the dust from all this moving around the world settles for us, I'd like to just keep a small herb and lettuce garden. Nothing too major, but just enough. Maybe by next Spring. For now, I'll enjoy our store bought potted lettuces on the window sill as long as they'll keep.

I have been meditating on the word "cleanse" and the idea of purification.  To purify the body of toxins is of course the goal, but what of other purification?  How do I wish to purify mind and spirit this month?  What thoughts do I have that are toxic to my being? What is muddying my light and my spirit?  

I have spent many a year working on my issues with perfection and learning to combat the tireless inner critic.  Parenthood has a way of bringing up all the old issues and pushing all the buttons.  Even though I have thrown out most of my preconceived notions and judgements about parenting, the perfectionist has still reared her head.  I think it's that all the energy I used to beat her into submission every day has been used up and I don't have the energy to fight her.  So how do I cleanse the toxic need to be perfect?  The Buddhist concept of loving kindness calls for accepting all the parts of ourselves...whether we love them or hate them.  How do I accept and integrate the crazy parts of me?  How is that cleansing?  

I don't pretend to have the answers to these questions.  I am simply sharing the questions that are coming up.  If I happen upon any pearls of wisdom I will certainly share them.  

As for food, we went into central London today to the National History Museum not realizing that it is school break here and everyone is out with their kid and that there is hurricane -like weather on the way.  After returning home soaked to the bone, frazzled, overwhelmed, and feeling defeated by the big city, we let ourselves off the hook and ordered a delicious and nutritious Indian meal with lots of spinach and garlic...yum.  Perfection be damned!

As part of our new weekly schedule, we each go to a movie while the other watches the baby. Today was Carrie's turn and she went to the cinema near Canary Wharf which is one of our favourite places to go because there are plenty of places to eat, a Waterstones bookstore (which we treat like our own personal reference library), a Waitrose (large supermarket) and tons of underground mall space (when it rains, which is often) and above ground grassy spots (when it's not raining which is rare) for Gryffin to run and run and run. So we met up with Carrie afterwards for dinner at Wagamama, then stopped by Waterstones and finally Waitrose for half a week's shopping. The great thing about food here in London is it's 99% high fructose free and mostly preservative free. On the flip side, with a college dorm-sized refrigerator with no workable freezer, having to live like Europeans and buy groceries that will only stay fresh for about three days poses a problem when you have a 2 yr old and don't have a car. Besides occasionally shopping here, we do an online delivery order and shop at a local small grocer every week. And it's whatever we can carry on the stroller, then up the 2 ½ flights of stairs to our flat. There's only one online grocer that will carry the bags up our stairs for us, so that's the only one we order from. So food here is a constant negotiation. We get meat and breads from our local shop because when you order them online you get the ones that are best used by the next day. There is a local farmers market once a week, but it's a 40 minute walk and we just haven't made it. I'm scheduled to cook tomorrow's dinner so I decided on lamb burgers with Kale and possibly a salad. The lamb looks really good so we'll see. By taking turns cooking, so far (although yes, it's only been three days), I've actually been excited to come up with my next meal for us instead of the “whaddawegonnaeat” go around that ends with a phone call to Thai or Indian delivery.

Today was going to be our eat out day, but we decided to heat up the soups we made from the weekend instead.  Carrie and I have gotten into making homemade soup and stock.  Who knew it could be so easy.  We actually make a few meals this way, first by getting a full chicken and roasting it in a baking dish with vegetables (like onions, potatoes, carrots, mushrooms, and/or cauliflower) some spices (herbes de provence, s&p) and butter.  The better the butter, the nicer the flavor.  When we lived in the Hudson Valley NY, we used to get raw butter from a farmer which was so rich it made everything so decadent, but even the good european style English butter we get here in London works well.  So, that's our first meal, then we pull off the remaining chicken for chicken salad sandwiches for our next day lunch for meal number two.  Then, we take the remaining bones and parts and throw them in a pot with the cut off pieces of onion and veggies we've been saving in a baggie in the fridge and add a few bay leaves, S&P and boil the hell out of it adding water and simmering it down to a rich thick glutenous stock.  The next day we divvy the stock up and Carrie makes her potato soup and I make a veggie soup with the extra roasted veggies from the first meal, chopped up a bit and I add to this whatever strikes my fancy.  I'm not a soup person, but I really like the soups I make.  If I don't have any leftover roasted veggies, I'll chop new ones and sauté them first in butter and olive oil.  Recently I added some cabbage which cooks up in no time and this time I added a can of organic lentils (which had their own juice) and a handful of spinach.   This soup reminds me of the kind my Nanna used to make, which of course also makes me think of my Mom.  It must be why eating homemade soup makes you feel loved, it takes time and care to make it and you feel that connection in each bite.  

Carrie and I enjoyed our soups with some old world cheddar I got at the grocer and some Ritz crackers we brought back from our trip to the US.  

Today we started our 30 day challenge to cleanse, cook, nourish and nurture ourselves and to see how that affects our lives, our marriage and our parenting. We will each be doing a cleanse (with a natural/raw food shake system called Isagenix) to detoxify our bodies and will share cooking one main meal a day. We have a schedule set up as to who will cook leaving one night off to eat out. We have included time to spend alone for ourselves and time to discuss our progress and plan for the future.

Other than a slight headache the day has gone well. Stacey made a delicious Asian stir fry dinner with rice noodles and veggies and a lovely appetizer with spicy meat on endive.