Day 16 by Carrie
Today I spent a lovely afternoon with our friend Katia talking about motherhood and the spiritual journey of life. It was the most feeding social interaction I have had in a long time. We sat in the grass on the Goldsmiths campus with her baby while Gryffin looked for ladybugs and played with a tennis ball. As I spoke to her some things I had been ruminating over became clear. Mothering is such an all consuming thing and for the first year or so I was clear that being a mother was my spiritual practice. To stay present at all times, to be loving and gentle and patient when you have no sleep and your child has been crying for over an hour is an amazing practice. To gently say no over and over and over offering love and boundaries at the same time is no easy feat. And to consciously parent, paying attention to your choices, choosing your own path and not being on auto pilot takes intention and energy and a lot of perseverance. In my longing for a spiritual community here and my beating myself up for not being more connected to my spiritual practice I somehow forgot that LIFE is a spiritual practice. And it occurred to me that the care and mindfulness I once took with my marriage has now been funnelled into my child and I miss consciously making my marriage part of my spiritual life as well. It has felt like I don't have energy for both. Is that true? And if it is true that there isn't energy for both are we expecting too much? Maybe it is natural that at this time in our journey of parenthood your child takes it all and then that eases up later? You just suck it up 'til then and hope the flame is still there hiding in the coals that have been buried?
As always, no answers just tons of questions. The whole purpose of this project is to bring consciousness to all these issues so that Stacey and I can be more mindful in our interactions with each other. And maybe that is the trick to keeping the coals hot...to every so often go over and gently blow on them until they burn a brilliant red-orange. Maybe tonight I will go blow a little love into Stacey's heart and watch it glow.
Today I spent a lovely afternoon with our friend Katia talking about motherhood and the spiritual journey of life. It was the most feeding social interaction I have had in a long time. We sat in the grass on the Goldsmiths campus with her baby while Gryffin looked for ladybugs and played with a tennis ball. As I spoke to her some things I had been ruminating over became clear. Mothering is such an all consuming thing and for the first year or so I was clear that being a mother was my spiritual practice. To stay present at all times, to be loving and gentle and patient when you have no sleep and your child has been crying for over an hour is an amazing practice. To gently say no over and over and over offering love and boundaries at the same time is no easy feat. And to consciously parent, paying attention to your choices, choosing your own path and not being on auto pilot takes intention and energy and a lot of perseverance. In my longing for a spiritual community here and my beating myself up for not being more connected to my spiritual practice I somehow forgot that LIFE is a spiritual practice. And it occurred to me that the care and mindfulness I once took with my marriage has now been funnelled into my child and I miss consciously making my marriage part of my spiritual life as well. It has felt like I don't have energy for both. Is that true? And if it is true that there isn't energy for both are we expecting too much? Maybe it is natural that at this time in our journey of parenthood your child takes it all and then that eases up later? You just suck it up 'til then and hope the flame is still there hiding in the coals that have been buried?
As always, no answers just tons of questions. The whole purpose of this project is to bring consciousness to all these issues so that Stacey and I can be more mindful in our interactions with each other. And maybe that is the trick to keeping the coals hot...to every so often go over and gently blow on them until they burn a brilliant red-orange. Maybe tonight I will go blow a little love into Stacey's heart and watch it glow.
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